Friday, December 21, 2012

"You got PUNK'D!" said The Mayans

Hello readers. 

Yeap, as the title suggests, the whole world got punk'd by people who have been dead for centuries.Oh, humans when will you ever learn? The world has NOT ended on the 21st of December and yes we are indeed still breathing. The earth hasn't been swallowed into nothing and molten lava encased asteroids have not plummeted towards earth rendering everyone dead. People did not run around screaming "Ahhhh! The apocalypse has comeeee!" nor did they start killing the members of their families to spare them the misfortune of going through the end of the world. You wanna know what happened instead?

People were still going around working, debt collectors were still collecting debt, banks were demanding credit card bills off its customers, One Direction were still continuing to make my ears bleed with their premature cat wailing (also known as their singing), Wiz Khalifa was still buying and smoking weed so long as he's young and wild and free and the Obamas were finalising their Christmas lists. The world did not in fact end, because if the world really did end, i wouldn't be here writing this post and you wouldn't see this at all. 

Admittedly, this whole drama about the end of the world is seriously overrated, especially when the only indication was the (unfinished) Mayan calendar that ended at 21 December 2012. Further investigation would entail that the (very) possible reasons for the calendar ending on this specific date at this specific time was:
  1. They ran out of parchment (or spaces in the rocks) to write on and hence they had no choice but to stop at the 21st of December 2012,
  2. They ran outta Ink. Period,
  3. They lost interest, 
  4. They wanted to PUNK us (and boy did they succeed)
Gee, thank GOD I wasn't one of those people who actually built bomb-proof bunkers under their houses to sustain themselves from ending with the world. I'll bet they're feeling pretty stupid right now eh? Yes, in case you haven't heard, there were some rich ass families that spent millions on very comfortable underground bunkers in preparation for the end of the world. Clearly they need to find a better way to spend their money (hint: AFRICA and other third world countries...)

So It is safe to say that in the end, the world did not end, I'm still alive (Thank God), you are all alive, the people I care about are alive and I can finally live to tell my children the story of how I survived the end of the world.

 Now that's what I call:
Well Played Kali, Well Played ...

Monday, December 17, 2012

Failure: That Red Eyed Monster

Hello readers! I know it seems like this is going to be another entertaining and fun post but judging from the per-mentioned title, its not. This post will re-count everything that I have failed at in the past few years. Like the common plebeian individual, I have failed at a numerous number of things starting from childbirth and ending at where I am right now-seated at a crappy computer at my college PC room and tapping away at the noisy keyboards (cringe!). Since childbirth I have failed to be pretty enough for society to accept me. I have failed to properly pronounce my vowels and sentences (but that was successfully broken at the age of 4), I have failed to maintain my personal hygiene (another obstacle that was successfully broken at the age of 13 ) and I have failed to listen to my parents when I wanted to do what I wanted to do (to say the least I was that one child in every family who was already predestined for Hell).

Today, of all days, I realized what a failure I am. That I had failed at so much but hadn't bothered to acknowledge those failures. Now I totally know how Kevin Federline felt when he had to buy his own CDs. The peak of failure has indeed been reached.This feeling of being a failure was all caused by my mid-semester exam results for one of my subjects where I failed. And the worst part, all I needed was one more point to score.Sadly, no matter how much I tried to reason with my distinguished teacher, she refused. Now that I think about it, I wasn't doing much to elevate the image of black people by begging to her. Anyway, at this point (as I type this morose sounding paragraph), I realized that I had not only failed that exam but I had also failed at achieving what I wanted to achieve in life insofar.

I had a well thought out plan on what I wanted to achieve before I turned 25 and most of those were pathetic sounding now, but they were solid gold back then. The first thing that was on my list was to become a world class fashion designer who was close enough to all the celebrities that I could invent nicknames for each of them (eg. Britney Spears- BriBri, Gaspard Ulliel- Gaz, Ian Somerhalder- Somoooo, and etc.). I really had it all worked out for e and in order to prepare for that, I started drawing dresses and coming up with fashion lines and potential names for them too. Then my dad decides to send me to this run down mill of a university that did not offer a single course on fashion. So that plan was shattered.. [INSERT: I wonder what happened to my book of designs? Last I heard, they were back in my country rotting away and sometimes being used as toilet paper substitute]

Then I had a dream of having the best boyfriend in the world who would always be there for me and support me through everything and etc. I was so close to having that until distance became an issue and then I had to settle for a Balkan Hulk instead- which didn't work out great either. In the end, as I sit here typing, I am currently boyfriend-less with so much non-platonic love to give but no one to give it to. I mean I wouldn't say that I am lonely... (...or am I?) Bullshit. So evidently, when I got back my result for that damned subject today I realized these things and it made me almost want to end my life. (I seriously told my friend that i was considering putting a bullet through my medulla oblongata and thus, ending it all). Then I realized, this is a chance for me to prove that even though I failed the mid term exams, I could definitely scrape through with a great grade for my finals. It didn't mean that the world is over for me, It just means that a challenge has presented its behind to me and I was gonna kick it to oblivion.

The Moral lesson kids is that; when faced with failure, immediately go to your local drugstore, purchase a capsule of250 sleeping pills, go back home. swallow them all and I'll see you in the afterlife. KIDDING** But seriously, Calm the fuck down and think about the many things that you have succeeded in instead of the shit you have screwed up. That should make you think twice about visiting the pharmacy for non medical reasons. Remember: Your failures in life do not define you.

Until then, my well of wisdom is drying up so read everything with care and take care.

xx Jenny. 

**PS: I shall not be responsible for any moron who takes this advice seriously and ends up pulling their own plug on their lives. My intention is to crack some ribs with humor; not kill you.